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the dog swallowed my dharma

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realizations [Jul. 1st, 2005|02:54 pm]
the dog swallowed my dharma
my stomach keeps constantly releasing this horrible moaning sound.
it comes in 5-second intervals.
and i have extreme nausea like i've never had.
but it gets worse when i try to eat.

i was trying to take a nap just now
but between my thunderous stomach, my pounding heart, and my racing mind,
i couldn't.

i have this constant numb feeling that's starting to drive me mad.
my whole body feels like it's rotting or something.

if only i was better.
to her.
if only i didnt give a shit about some of the stuff that drove her apart from me.
that's the reason why it drove her away from me.
because i cared too much.
i made a big deal about too many stupid little meaningless things.
i drove her crazy.
i was paranoid about something happening...
but sure enough, it happened. it was a slap in my face.
but i drove her to that point.
i've come to terms with that.
i blame myself.
(and i know, i know, i shouldnt blame myself and use words like "if only")

but honestly, if i just didnt give a fuck about some things, it wouldve all been okay.
she was unhappy with me.
and i knew it deep down--i could see it in her eyes, but i kept trying to convince myself that it would all get better. that i could be better.
and i was starting to...
i was reflecting a lot on my actions and reactions and how fucking ridiculous i was.
i was so stupid.

but it was too late.
just when i thought i could prove to her that i was a better person,
she slipped away and left.

and as much as i want her to come back,
so i can show her that i'm okay now
with everything
and that i've straightened shit out in my head
i realize she may decide i'm not worth it.

but i'll understand.

i drove her to the point of no return.
which wasnt the direction i wanted for us, of course.
it's incredible how things work backwards.

and i dont mean for this all to sound like i'm being self-loathing.
i'm just facing the truth of the whole thing.
it wasnt her fault.
i am so very sorry for treating her the way i did.
i dont blame her for leaving.
she's happier now.

and that's all i've ever wanted.

[User Picture]From: nearly_born
2005-07-01 10:47 pm (UTC)
i want to talk.
i thought you were coming over today?

i guess you were busy with packing and whatnot. so just give me a call when you get back and you have time and all that. i work 10-6 this weekend. so it'll be more evening time for me. i dont know just give me a call and we'll work it out.
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