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the dog swallowed my dharma

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realizations [Jul. 1st, 2005|02:54 pm]
the dog swallowed my dharma
my stomach keeps constantly releasing this horrible moaning sound.
it comes in 5-second intervals.
and i have extreme nausea like i've never had.
but it gets worse when i try to eat.

i was trying to take a nap just now
but between my thunderous stomach, my pounding heart, and my racing mind,
i couldn't.

i have this constant numb feeling that's starting to drive me mad.
my whole body feels like it's rotting or something.


if only i was better.
to her.
if only i didnt give a shit about some of the stuff that drove her apart from me.
that's the reason why it drove her away from me.
because i cared too much.
i made a big deal about too many stupid little meaningless things.
i drove her crazy.
i was paranoid about something happening...
but sure enough, it happened. it was a slap in my face.
but i drove her to that point.
i've come to terms with that.
i blame myself.
(and i know, i know, i shouldnt blame myself and use words like "if only")

but honestly, if i just didnt give a fuck about some things, it wouldve all been okay.
she was unhappy with me.
and i knew it deep down--i could see it in her eyes, but i kept trying to convince myself that it would all get better. that i could be better.
and i was starting to...
i was reflecting a lot on my actions and reactions and how fucking ridiculous i was.
i was so stupid.

but it was too late.
just when i thought i could prove to her that i was a better person,
she slipped away and left.

and as much as i want her to come back,
so i can show her that i'm okay now
with everything
and that i've straightened shit out in my head
i realize she may decide i'm not worth it.

but i'll understand.

i drove her to the point of no return.
which wasnt the direction i wanted for us, of course.
it's incredible how things work backwards.


and i dont mean for this all to sound like i'm being self-loathing.
i'm just facing the truth of the whole thing.
it wasnt her fault.
i am so very sorry for treating her the way i did.
i dont blame her for leaving.
she's happier now.

and that's all i've ever wanted.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: dreaminmc
2005-07-01 07:35 pm (UTC)
Dont blame everything on you, that doesnt make sense. She is responsible for handling the situation the way she did. She could have made it easier on both of you, but she didnt. Plain and simple.
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