||[Jul. 1st, 2005|02:54 pm]
the dog swallowed my dharma
my stomach keeps constantly releasing this horrible moaning sound.|
it comes in 5-second intervals.
and i have extreme nausea like i've never had.
but it gets worse when i try to eat.
i was trying to take a nap just now
but between my thunderous stomach, my pounding heart, and my racing mind,
i have this constant numb feeling that's starting to drive me mad.
my whole body feels like it's rotting or something.
if only i was better.
if only i didnt give a shit about some of the stuff that drove her apart from me.
that's the reason why it drove her away from me.
because i cared too much.
i made a big deal about too many stupid little meaningless things.
i drove her crazy.
i was paranoid about something happening...
but sure enough, it happened. it was a slap in my face.
but i drove her to that point.
i've come to terms with that.
i blame myself.
(and i know, i know, i shouldnt blame myself and use words like "if only")
but honestly, if i just didnt give a fuck about some things, it wouldve all been okay.
she was unhappy with me.
and i knew it deep down--i could see it in her eyes, but i kept trying to convince myself that it would all get better. that i could be better.
and i was starting to...
i was reflecting a lot on my actions and reactions and how fucking ridiculous i was.
i was so stupid.
but it was too late.
just when i thought i could prove to her that i was a better person,
she slipped away and left.
and as much as i want her to come back,
so i can show her that i'm okay now
and that i've straightened shit out in my head
i realize she may decide i'm not worth it.
but i'll understand.
i drove her to the point of no return.
which wasnt the direction i wanted for us, of course.
it's incredible how things work backwards.
and i dont mean for this all to sound like i'm being self-loathing.
i'm just facing the truth of the whole thing.
it wasnt her fault.
i am so very sorry for treating her the way i did.
i dont blame her for leaving.
she's happier now.
and that's all i've ever wanted.