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the dog swallowed my dharma

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if only... [Jun. 24th, 2005|06:34 am]
the dog swallowed my dharma
i'm completely numb.

and dry out of tears.


i doubted my intuitions because i felt forced to.
when really i was right the whole damn time.


it always goes that way...
you'd think i would have learned.


fuck you for making me feel stupid.
and irrational.
and overreacting in my thoughts.

because i wasnt.


i was so right.
in so many ways...

i was so fucking dead on,
probably even the second it happened. heh
(or the many seconds you allowed it to happen)

and fuck you for coming over to my apartment after this all happened.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!!? who the fuck DOES that?!

and letting me kiss you after she shared those lips with you...
fuck you... fuck you...
i feel so fucking dirty now.



i called this.
but you convinced me.

that it was all going to be alright.


you claim i was the one pushing you away...
take a step back, baby, and look what you did.
what do you call that?


you had me at chai tea and a turkey sandwich nearly 1 year ago.



it's too bad we cant celebrate that.
i was really looking foward to it.
obviously you weren't though.


you had me so fucking convinced
...about everything we ever dreamed of.

but then it all hits rock bottom.

"AMAZING--"
ha!


i think the difference between those dreams is that i was ready to make it a reality with you. and you were still stuck on just dreams...

you had me convinced though.
but i dont know why you even bothered.

you've finally taken off that mask
and showed me who you really are.
it just sucks being the person who was blind this whole time.



i'm sure you're asleep soundly in your bed right now.
and it's fucking 6:30am and i'm still awake.

but i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of spending these long hours awake and miserable.
crying my fucking eyes out over someone that forgot about me.
that forgot what we had.
or at least, what i thought we had...
i dont think you were ever on that same level.
yeah, you must've been pretty far gone.


i believed in us.

i've been doing my part in this whole idea we had a week ago.
heh.
that's all it took though, for you.
a fucking week.
shows what these whole 11 months meant to you...



i believed in us.
i really fucking believed in us.

but not anymore


because you gave up.





you threw it all away.





and so here i sit.
alone.
sad.
puffy-eyed and dazed.
fucking pathetic.


wondering if i'll ever fall asleep...
and if i do--will i wake up to this all being real?

if only it weren't...



if only it weren't.
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: um_okay
2005-06-27 12:16 pm (UTC)
lexi, i know you cant see straight right now, but things are going to be alright.

its all too familliar for me.

i want to see you.
i love you.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: e_fascicle
2005-06-27 03:01 pm (UTC)
im going to get you shithammered and laid when you come up here.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: synthetikshe
2005-06-27 04:06 pm (UTC)

somewhere where you thought to be found

we need to talk. so you have some options: call me. write me. come and suprise me and drink coffee with me all night at clarkes. come back to chicago. a real city. a real city for a real girl.

as much as i would like the last choice, it is really up to you. but you need to talk. and i need to listen. and hug you.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: nicobleu
2005-07-05 04:24 am (UTC)

i am sorry.

listen princess...this is a WHOLE lot of apin...and i wish it wasn't so...i haven't read LJ for EVER.....but i wish you were doing better....i gave you my # here...utilize mama.

love and peace.
-nica.
(Reply) (Thread)