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the dog swallowed my dharma

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leaving for good. [Oct. 3rd, 2005|03:24 pm]
the dog swallowed my dharma
i dont have the time or energy for this anymore.
in case any of you have been wondering (or havent really noticed or cared) why i havent updated.
i dont really plan to after this.
after 5 years, i'm finally calling it quits.

so long, lj.
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revision [Sep. 8th, 2005|01:18 pm]
the dog swallowed my dharma
revamp that.
i really need to get the fuck out of this place.
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2005|09:39 am]
the dog swallowed my dharma
i really want to get the hell out of this place.
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(no subject) [Jul. 14th, 2005|06:41 am]
the dog swallowed my dharma
the sunrises these past few mornings have been simply amazing.

except, as peaceful and beautiful as they are,
i am still bothered by a sense of loneliness.
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touched. [Jul. 5th, 2005|03:30 am]
the dog swallowed my dharma
so this girl named Alexia friended me on myspace awhile ago because she thought it was cool we shared the same name. also, she used to live in gainesville and moved to new york city alittle while after i moved here (it's like we swapped). and it's crazy the similarities we share--we know a lot of the same kids, we're both lesbian, we both have default pics of a cat in our pictures on myspace, we like a lot of the same shit, etc etc.

and like a lot of other kids on myspace, you dont really hear much from them after you've become another number on their friends list.

but just now when i got home, i got this message from her:

"Hi Alexia, glad to hear you aren't deleting your myspace account. i've been pretty close to deleting mine before, as well. and if your reasoning for thinking about it was the same as mine, i'm sorry. i'm sorry for whatever happened to you. hang in there...
i just wanted to let you know seeing you and that kitten in your picture everyday makes me smile... my friends think it's weird too... if you're ever in NYC, we should totally meet! and bring your cat! tasha wants to meet her too! i don't know you at all, but i appreciate your existence in my life. : )
love, Alexia"

i would obviously need permission to bring Oedi since he's not really my cat! heheh

but how fucking awesome is that message?!
i cant get over it...

i'm speechless.
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breathe. [Jul. 3rd, 2005|01:21 pm]
the dog swallowed my dharma
so after finishing off my last carton (that's 2 cartons in 9 days. sick), actually getting a bit of food in me, and finally getting more than an hour of sleep last night--i've finally settled the fuck down.
kind of.
i mean, i still feel a horrible emptiness, but i think it'll be okay.

last night she came over. i wasnt expecting it.
and we talked. no yelling. no fighting.
just talked...
and, of course, i broke down a few times.
because i'm still very weak.
just opening the door and seeing her standing there...
i thought i was dreaming.

i think i'm going to be okay though.
i have to focus on me now.
i have a lot ahead of me...
a lot of good things coming my way.
i got accepted into UF, i'm getting a 2nd job this week, i'm volunteering at one of the hospitals now, i plan on taking a few trips (to northampton, MA and chicago) before the semester starts (plus a trip out to cali after the semester ends), i have a great start on my pharmacy school application so far, i'm moving into a cute townhouse... but eventually i want to get my own place once i see how much money i get from loans and grants (that might not happen until spring semester since i'd like to pay off some of my bills first).

it's all going to work out...

i'm going to be okay.

if anyone interested in coming along, i plan on going out to st. augustine for the 4th tomorrow.
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realizations [Jul. 1st, 2005|02:54 pm]
the dog swallowed my dharma
my stomach keeps constantly releasing this horrible moaning sound.
it comes in 5-second intervals.
and i have extreme nausea like i've never had.
but it gets worse when i try to eat.

i was trying to take a nap just now
but between my thunderous stomach, my pounding heart, and my racing mind,
i couldn't.

i have this constant numb feeling that's starting to drive me mad.
my whole body feels like it's rotting or something.

if only i was better.
to her.
if only i didnt give a shit about some of the stuff that drove her apart from me.
that's the reason why it drove her away from me.
because i cared too much.
i made a big deal about too many stupid little meaningless things.
i drove her crazy.
i was paranoid about something happening...
but sure enough, it happened. it was a slap in my face.
but i drove her to that point.
i've come to terms with that.
i blame myself.
(and i know, i know, i shouldnt blame myself and use words like "if only")

but honestly, if i just didnt give a fuck about some things, it wouldve all been okay.
she was unhappy with me.
and i knew it deep down--i could see it in her eyes, but i kept trying to convince myself that it would all get better. that i could be better.
and i was starting to...
i was reflecting a lot on my actions and reactions and how fucking ridiculous i was.
i was so stupid.

but it was too late.
just when i thought i could prove to her that i was a better person,
she slipped away and left.

and as much as i want her to come back,
so i can show her that i'm okay now
with everything
and that i've straightened shit out in my head
i realize she may decide i'm not worth it.

but i'll understand.

i drove her to the point of no return.
which wasnt the direction i wanted for us, of course.
it's incredible how things work backwards.

and i dont mean for this all to sound like i'm being self-loathing.
i'm just facing the truth of the whole thing.
it wasnt her fault.
i am so very sorry for treating her the way i did.
i dont blame her for leaving.
she's happier now.

and that's all i've ever wanted.
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(no subject) [Jun. 30th, 2005|03:13 am]
the dog swallowed my dharma
i'll spare youCollapse )
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make it fucking stop [Jun. 27th, 2005|07:54 am]
the dog swallowed my dharma
i'm breaking.

i cant sleep.
i cant eat.
and even if i try to eat alittle,
i cant even hold it down.

i cant stop these tears.
i cant stop shaking.

this pain is so fucking unbearable.
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if only... [Jun. 24th, 2005|06:34 am]
the dog swallowed my dharma
i'm completely numb.

and dry out of tears.

i doubted my intuitions because i felt forced to.
when really i was right the whole damn time.

it always goes that way...
you'd think i would have learned.

fuck you for making me feel stupid.
and irrational.
and overreacting in my thoughts.

because i wasnt.

i was so right.
in so many ways...

i was so fucking dead on,
probably even the second it happened. heh
(or the many seconds you allowed it to happen)

and fuck you for coming over to my apartment after this all happened.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!!? who the fuck DOES that?!

and letting me kiss you after she shared those lips with you...
fuck you... fuck you...
i feel so fucking dirty now.

i called this.
but you convinced me.

that it was all going to be alright.

you claim i was the one pushing you away...
take a step back, baby, and look what you did.
what do you call that?

you had me at chai tea and a turkey sandwich nearly 1 year ago.

it's too bad we cant celebrate that.
i was really looking foward to it.
obviously you weren't though.

you had me so fucking convinced
...about everything we ever dreamed of.

but then it all hits rock bottom.


i think the difference between those dreams is that i was ready to make it a reality with you. and you were still stuck on just dreams...

you had me convinced though.
but i dont know why you even bothered.

you've finally taken off that mask
and showed me who you really are.
it just sucks being the person who was blind this whole time.

i'm sure you're asleep soundly in your bed right now.
and it's fucking 6:30am and i'm still awake.

but i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of spending these long hours awake and miserable.
crying my fucking eyes out over someone that forgot about me.
that forgot what we had.
or at least, what i thought we had...
i dont think you were ever on that same level.
yeah, you must've been pretty far gone.

i believed in us.

i've been doing my part in this whole idea we had a week ago.
that's all it took though, for you.
a fucking week.
shows what these whole 11 months meant to you...

i believed in us.
i really fucking believed in us.

but not anymore

because you gave up.

you threw it all away.

and so here i sit.
puffy-eyed and dazed.
fucking pathetic.

wondering if i'll ever fall asleep...
and if i do--will i wake up to this all being real?

if only it weren't...

if only it weren't.
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